Al-muthafuckin- right. The Vota Vato voter guide is back with the vengeance of the 2012 Mayan prediction. And if you thought my ancestors were bullshittin’ when they said the world was coming to an end – you must not be watching the apocalypse unfold before our very eyes.
If you’re like me and overindulge in instant gratification, just remember that the world took many millennia to form and it takes just as long to change course.
But, we ain’t gonna bore you with all these Bill Nye earth science mamadas. We are gonna drop another form of science on dat azz – social science.
More specifically, this edition is focusing on the study of pendejadas. Ladies and gentlefolk, we are witnessing the very worst of human evolution in our federalism!
So, we are depending on civil-minded, bullshit sorting, critical-thinkers like you to erect the mast that’ll redirect the ship away from the end of this very troubled flat earth, towards more calm waters. Translation: please vote and bring sense back to this country.
I know da squad be roasting you for caring and they say clever things like, “Fuck both sides… it’s all the same… blame Capitalism… I’m a unicorn and my vote don’t matter.”
Sure, the Democrats are fucking spineless and leave a lot to be desired – especially in Washington D.C. But, just like how your pansa won’t go away with you squeezing it in front of the mirror and complaining – the Democrats won’t grow more huevos without you voting. I was gonna say ovaries, but there are more men in elected offices. Plus, women have been way more courageous on the Democrats’ side than men.
Anywho….. on November 6, the midterm elections are taking place. They’re called midterms because they fall in the middle of Donald Trump’s term as President – that’s right, it’s only been two years.
It’s also important to note that every single one of the 435 seats in the U.S. House of Representatives – and one-third of the one hundit seats in the U.S. Senate – are primed for your votes. That’s 35 seats if you suck at fractions.
Ok, let me get back to the voter guide before you close this shit cause you didn’t come here to learn about no civics. Plus, your friends are wondering why you’ve been away from social media this long already.
So, without further ado…. we bring you, the #VotaVato endorsements.
Gavin Newsom: Facepalm emoji. Newsom is the front-runner and is favored to become our next Governor. We’re only endorsing him because the alternative is John Cox – another rich White vato who is more transparent about his disdain for poor people and Latinos.
We’ve already reached our quota on hateful White politicians, so we’re electing those who have mastered the art of microaggressions.
I’m really scratching my head because Newsom hasn’t really done shit! He’s been Lt. Governor for 8 years y nada. He does remind me of Matthew McConaughey tho. They’re both good looking vatos. They’re both actors. One was fucking amazing in True Detective, Dallas Buyers Club, and that meme about running red lights. Alright, alright, alright.
The other one acts as if he cares about you – schhhhwwwiiing!
Ed Hernandez: This position doesn’t do much. Their biggest influence is on the UC Regents and Cal State Board of Trustees. I guess that’s something. So, you can just vote for this vato y alli se queda. He’s a longtime elected official and has endorsements from virtually everyone you can think of – good and bad.
SECRETARY OF STATE
Alex Padilla has held this position since 2014 and has been pushing California to modernize our voting systems – that includes getting younger folks to register and vote. Now if we can only do something about some of the candidates he endorses to represent the East San Fernando Valley?
Betty T. Yee has more than 30 years of experience in public service, specializing in state and local finance and tax policy.
Fiona Ma is gonna have a hell of a job. Under her watch, California has to have access to money to pay for infrastructure projects, transportation, public schools, housing, water quality, and pollution reduction. She’s gonna have to make it rain during times of drought!
Xavier Becerra made history when he became the first Latino person to hold this office when Gov. Jerry Appointed him this post. But, Becerra has been a long time influential politician in California and Washington D.C.
Since taking this post, Becerra has been suing the shit outta the Trump administration for virtually all of their hateful policies – from immigration reform to DACA, and from healthcare to the environment. He’s placed California at the front of the resistance!
Ricardo Lara has been consistent in the fight for immigrants and working people as a State Senator. He deserves a chance at this post.
MEMBER OF THE STATE BOARD OF EQUALIZATION (3RD DISTRICT)
Tony Vasquez: is the first Latino ever to serve as Mayor of the City of Santa Monica – I didn’t even know Latinos could afford to live in Santa Monica. The guy he’s running against, G. Rick Marshall, opposes everything that CA needs at this moment to come out of the financial hole.
If you’re like me and you don’t know what the fuck the Board of Equalization does…. well, let me Google that for us – stand by….. The State Board of Equalization administers Property Tax, Alcoholic Beverage Tax, and Tax on Insurer’s programs. Sounds pretty fucking important to me.
Kevin De León: We pretty much told you that we’re rollin’ with this vato for Senate over la viejita. He’s been one of the generals in the fight against President Donald Trump’s and Attorney General Jeff Session’s puterias.
Kevin De León is by far the most qualified to become California’s next U.S. Senator. He and Kamala Harris are a dream team. De León has been a champion for poor and middle-class people around issues of the environment and retirement plans.
UNITED STATES REPRESENTATIVE
37th District: Karen Bass. She’s da #GOAT.
40th District: Lucille Roybal-Allard: She’s been consistent with her liberal/progressive votes in D.C.
BACK TO CALIFORNIA
24th District: María Elena Durazo is one of the most powerful and influential women in our lifetime. She has served as the Executive Secretary-Treasurer of the powerful Los Angeles County Federation of Labor, Executive Vice President of the governing Executive Council of the national AFL-CIO and as a Vice Chair of the Democratic National Committee of the Democratic Party. She’s a member of the Latino Avengers!
30th District: Holly Mitchell has proven to be a consistent ally in the fight for social, racial and economic justice in Sacramento. We need her in Sacramento.
Assembly District 39: Luz Rivas has an impressive life history and a track record of empowering women and girls to pursue careers in tech and engineering. Sacramento needs fresh ideas and smart people like Luz. She’s the incumbent after winning in the June primary.
Assembly District 45: Jesse Gabriel: Is also the incumbent after winning in the June primary. This vato is an attorney who has sued President Donald Trump’s administration in defense of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program.
Assembly District 51: Wendy Carrillo: Is another incumbent who won the June primary. Wendy is an immigrant from El Salvador. She has campaigned heavily around social & human justice issues including immigration reform, defending DACA, defending Obamacare, living wages for workers, and improving the quality of education.
Assembly District 54: Sydney Kamlager: Sydney is a thoughtful and practical leader with strong values. She has already demonstrated that she is courageous and stands with communities of color in Sacramento!
Assembly District 58: Cristina Garcia: You would think the #VotaVato voter guide would bask in the petty glory that is writing this here piece of poetic justice. But alas, we are remaining calm and level-headed about this conundrum. Garcia was a leader in the #MeToo movement and a rising star in Sacramento. Then she got accused of touching the chorizos in the carniceria.
She survived accusations of sexual harassment from political staffers and here we are. Sigh, it would be too easy to crucify her for this, but given how rampant patriarchy and sexism reigns in politics, I say, meh.
Assembly District 63: Anthony Rendon: Look, I’m all about The Future Is Female and The Future Is Latina and shit, but we need to check our tias. Y’all muthafuckas really wanna recall Rendon for not introducing the single-payer health care bill before the assembly? Rendon has earned his stripes on social justice issues, especially on immigration and early ed.
His opponent, Maria Estrada, makes some strong points on her page about the need for legislators to do more for the environment and healthcare access for all. But, having a critique doesn’t mean having a plan to solve the problems.
* We really love you and that’s why we researched all of these judicial candidates. Here’s the bad news, there’s little information available on their politics. As far as we know, they are all competent at judging. These judges have already been appointed, vetted, and approved for serving. We are just giving the stamp of approval.
JUDICIAL – SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
Leondra Kruger: YES
Carol Corrigan: NO
JUDICIAL – COURT OF APPEAL JUSTICE
Victoria Chaney: NO
Elwood Lui: YES
Anne Egerton: YES
Thomas Willwhite: NO
Carl Moor: YES
Arthur Gilbert: YES
Gail Feur: YES
Tricia Bigelow: NO
Helen Bendix: YES
Victoria Chavez: NO
Halim Dhanidina: YES
Nora Mandella: No
Dorothy Kim: YES
Martin Tangeman: YES
John Segal: YES
SUPERINTENDENT OF PUBLIC INSTRUCTION
Marshall Tuck: We picked Marshall Tuck because he’s been on the ground serving the highest needs students in Los Angeles – and he’s pushed those schools to do more for the Eastside and South L.A.
He has led school systems that are larger than most school districts in California at Green Dot and the Partnership for Los Angeles Schools – both of which have unions.
Tuck has an aggressive and refreshing vision for raising more dollars for schools, spending that state money in an equitable manner, and supporting teachers in the process.
Tony Thurmond has experience in elected office as an Assemblymember and as a former school board member. He is also backed by labor, which usually means that it’s a wrap for kids. I guess if we’re gonna be fair, Tuck can’t be called a puppet of the charters neither.
Thurmond has worked to decriminalize Black and Brown youth in schools. He’s also super pro-police and has voted to raise prison guard’s pay multiple times.
County Assessor: Jeff Prang: This dude is not the most visionary, but his job doesn’t necessarily require him to be. Just help L.A. people get our money’s worth on our property.
LA County Sherrif: Alex Villanueva: We fucked around on the last #VotaVato and gave y’all an endorsement that we are retracting. Hey, even vatos can admit when we fuck up. We did some more learning about the candidates for Sheriff and the current vato gotta go! Sheriff Jim McDonnell is fucking racist and whack.
I know what y’all thinking! “Well, no shit, they’re pigs, they’re all whack.” And you’re right. But, Alex Villanueva is campaigning on a lot of the policies that community groups are constantly demanding of law enforcement: don’t collaborate with ICE, release body camera footage, clean up the pig pen of corruption, implement more community policing and collaboration with the community.
**This is fucking exhausting. Bare with us because there’s more to come. I’m about to make me a latte on my brand new K-Café machine courtesy of the good people at Keurig. Don’t worry, they haven’t paid off ya boy for endorsements. But, they gave me a whole new ass coffeemaker for free and, well, now you gotta read about that holy gesture!
PROP 1 – YES: Allows the state to borrow $4 billion to fund affordable housing construction and to subsidize home loans for veterans. Haters will say this is not a long-term solution. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good. Do more!
PROP 2 – YES: Allows the state to borrow $2 billion to fund housing for people struggling with mental health issues – it’s money that voters already approved with Proposition 63.
PROP 3 – NO: This prop and its backers are sus af. This would benefit California’s Trump country the most. Agribusiness would benefit from this but the rest of Cali would front the bill.
PROP 4 – YES: Allows the state to borrow $1.5 billion to fix and upgrade Children’s hospitals.
PROP 5 – FUCK NO: Muthafuckas will tell you this is about protecting granny who lives in a big ass house that she can no longer afford – so now granma gotta move to another crib and we should let her keep the same property taxes she’s been paying since she was getting nasty in the backseat of a Mustang – while listening to whack ass Beatles music.
The truth is, this proposition is a fake way for rich folks to keep accumulating money and avoid paying their fair share of taxes. Hey grandma, if I gotta pay these expensive ass property taxes to help house the homeless, we gonna Come Together and pay the same amount!
PROP 6 – NO: This is to California Republicans what repealing Obamacare was to Republicans in D.C. As expensive as gas is, eliminating this gas tax would mean that we’d lose out on road repairs and transportation funding.
PROP 7 – YES: There are few things in life more useless than Daylight Saving Time: gender reveal parties, that little green stick they put in your coffee cup at Starbucks, Mayor Garcetti, nipples on men, men, and the anti-texting & driving law.
The point here is that Daylight Saving is not only unproven to save energy, but actually causes harmful effects to our health.
Not to mention that your boss doesn’t even believe your ass when you say it’s the reason you didn’t make it to work on time. She’s a Master Sommelier and can smell the bullshit from a kilometer away. Your ass was late before and after the time switched – you’re just permanently on POC time.
PROP 8 – YES: Some proposition numbers should be retired the way they do the jerseys of mega-athletes. I’m triggered when I see Prop. 8, Prop. 184, Prop. 187 and Prop. 209. But, I digress.
This proposition requires the two largest companies that operate dialysis clinics – DaVita Kidney Care and Fresenius Medical Care- come out of pocket and take care of employees and patients.
PROP 10 – YES: Repeals the harmful 1995 Costa-Hawkins law which fucked up rent control laws in California. Translation, this would allow cities to approve rent control and bring some relief to the rising costs of housing.
Here’s something that all the social media gentrification avengers need to understand tho. All homeowners aren’t bad. Even people who own small multiple-unit properties ain’t causing the housing crisis. These are big developers and big cat property owners that inflate the market.
PROP 11 – NO: This is the epitome of Capitalism. It’s almost as bad as greedy businesses making employees work on Thanksgiving night while the burros rush to start Black Friday on Thursday.
This proposition would make paramedics be on call during their lunch hours and breaks. Chill the fuck out and let me enjoy my burrito – that person ain’t gonna be less dead by the time I get there, daaaang.
PROP 12 – YES: This says that farm animals – pigs, chickens, etc. – need to be raised in cages that give the animals some leg room. These requirements aim to improve the conditions of raising animals and thus improving the quality of food we put on the table.
If y’all gonna keep eating animals you should at least demand more humane conditions for your food supply.
****Almost there y’all. Promise it won’t hurt much longer.
MEASURE W – YES: Pay attention cause this is for all y’all nasty muthafuckas who don’t know the function of a goddamn trash can. I hate a bitch who throws their trash out of moving vehicles, dump their mechanic waste in the rain gutter, or flick their cigarette butts on the street – that includes Phillies, roaches, and delicious Djarum Black cherry-flavored cloves.
Anyhow, water is more scarce in LA County than courageous leaders who will speak out about how harmful the teachers’ strike would be for Black and Brown families. This measure attempts to clean up water supplies, which is important to public health and the planet.
The drought has made LA County more thirsty than some of y’all look when you slide in women’s DMs. Water is wasted in LA when it rains cause we don’t have a way to catch or clean the water.
Now back to y’all nasty muthafuckas. When you dump your trash on the streets you pollute the oceans killing birds and dolphins and shit. You also expose children to harmful elements whenever they go swimming at the beach. I know asking you to stop being nasty is too much, so the least you can do is vote yes on this measure.
CHARTER AMENDMENT B – YES: This would allow the City to establish a bank to facilitate deposits for people who own cannabis shops. This is an important step in decriminalizing marijuana and helping to keep shop owners safe.
The Feds still consider marijuana an illegal substance and banks are Federally regulated. Got that? Even as you blow that loud while reading this shit, it makes sense.
CHARTER AMENDMENT: E – YES: This helps align city and state on election dates. The good news, fewer elections throughout the year. The bad news, less #VotaVato. This will also give the fine members of the L.A. City Council the power to align future elections with state elections.
CHARTER AMENDMENT: EE – YES: Same shit as the previous amendment. Except this one is for LAUSD.
WATER REPLENISHMENT DISTRICT OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: WILLARD H. MURRAY, JR. I too Googled what in the hell the WRD does and here is what I learned for us. It ensures that a reliable supply of high-quality groundwater is available through the use of recycled water and stormwater capture. I also learned that there is zero information available about the candidates. The incumbent seems really passionate about drinking water: Bobby Bouche!